To Protect and Serve

I've been wanting to blog about the recent police violence for a while now.   But, surprise surprise, haven't found myself with the time and energy to sit down and write.   Tonight however, I was scrolling through my Twitter feed, and came across this photo from Kareem Abdul Jabbar...

I don't agree with everything that he says, and I'm unqualified to address some of it (hard for me to really say anything about racism when I've grown up white middle class, and live in a city that's 95% white).   But there is a definite echo to what I've been saying is the problem for quite some time now.  

I know a lot of cops.   I have a lot of friends who either are cops, were cops, or have family/spouses/etc. that are cops.   I went to college at Western Oregon, where the police academy for most officers in the state of Oregon is based.   I can say without a doubt that 95-98% of all the officers I've ever known not only are great at their job, but they're great people.   They got into that career because they truly wanted to make a difference, and for the most part, they have.   But I've also known that other 2-5%, and they are NOT good people, and did not get into it for the right reasons.   I've known a handful of terrible cops, and another handful that were just bad at their jobs.  

I think that most of the heinous acts that have been committed in the past year are done by those handful of officers that fall outside of the norm.   But I don't think that the problem is the actions of those officers.  What they did was terrible.  Anyone who can watch the uncut video of Tamir Rice in Cleveland (which you can find easily on the web) and tell me that the shooting of that child was wholly justified is completely unhinged.  But the problem is not the officer that pulled the trigger.   The problem really isn't even the lack of sufficient training provided to that officer.   No, I truly believe that the root of the problem is The Blue Shield (a.k.a. The Blue Code, The Blue Wall of Silence, The Blue Curtain, etc.).

When was the last time you've heard of an officer coming out and publicly saying, "Yeah, Officer X really fucked up"?   Rhetorical, because you don't hear that.   It really doesn't matter how egregious the offense is, cops don't turn on each other.   But worse than that is what you're seeing now in regards to the cases in Ferguson, MO, and New York City.  

The old saying is that a district attorney can indict a ham sandwich.   That's because a grand jury is basically just a rubber stamp.   District attorneys have so much power in a grand jury.   They can manipulate that vote however they want.   Usually, they want an indictment, and they present enough evidence to get one.   However, the grand jury system can also be used as a shield.   DAs don't want to indict cops, because they NEED the cops to work with them in the future.   They can't afford an antagonistic system in which they are butting heads with the police department.   So, unless the case is so egregious that they can't possibly fail to prosecute (I know, many of you think that Ferguson and NYC should have been that way--but really they weren't; Tamir Rice in Cleveland is another matter), they're going to present a minimal amount of evidence, fail to get an indictment, and then sit back and say, "Hey, we did our job trying to bring justice, but the grand jury just didn't see it that way."   That's B.S.  If they wanted the indictment, they would have gotten it.   They didn't want it, because it would have made a headache for them in the future.  

The culture among police and the district attorneys that they must protect their own at all costs is what has caused the breakdown of trust in this country between the citizens and the police force.   There are a handful of bad officers, and a handful of bad decisions made.   But this is an age where there are no secrets.   Everyone is a reporter, because everyone has a video phone.   There are cameras on every street corner.   When 10-year old Tamir Rice is playing by himself in a park with a toy gun, and an officer pulls up and shoots him in under two seconds (!), AND it's on video, there shouldn't be a wall of officers jumping up to say "Nope, totally justified.   Nothing to see here, move along."   There should be a wall of officers jumping up and saying, "We need to do better, because that's unacceptable."   The problem is that the good officers, that 95-98% who are good people and good at their job, aren't saying anything.   They are holding up that Blue Shield, and protecting the officers that need to be held accountable.   Until that changes, the divide in this country is only going to grow larger.  

Why I host my weekly poker tournament

Let me start with a bit of a disclaimer:  I apologize if this is a little long or a little heavy.   I hope that you’ll take a few minutes out of your day to read it, and I hope that it gives you a little insight into me.   If I tagged you, it’s because you have played poker here with me, have expressed interest in playing here sometime, or I’ve invited you to play here.   I’ve wanted to write this for a while, since the hubbub with Walt earlier this year.   I just have lacked the time and emotional energy to do so.   But it’s overdue, and so here it is.   Again, thank you in advance if you take the time to read this.   It’s only a few minutes of your day, and it does mean a lot to me, as each and every one of you do.  

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I was raised in a family that was never very close.   We don’t do family get togethers, we don’t have reunions.   There are only a handful of us, and I was the black sheep of those still around.   My mom was the emotional glue that held our family together, and really the only person that kept me in the loop for what was happening.   When my mom died, so did most of the link I had to any family that I was born with.   I see my sister and her family once a year or so, and talk to my dad occasionally, but that’s it.   We aren’t close.   I’m okay with that, because I have always been someone that truly believed that the family you choose is far more meaningful than the family you are born with.  

In November 2004, I walked into Emerald Valley Country Club,only the second time ever playing the game of Texas Hold’em, and immediately felt at home.   It just fit me perfectly, and the results showed.   I had no idea what I was doing, but I understood math better than 99% of the people in the room, and rode that limited amount of knowledge into a 3^rdplace finish.   Two months later, I made a final table with people that knew WAY more than I did, but the deck absolutely ran me over and I won.   Noah Kelley, Steve Hartsock, great, great players were at that final table.   I didn’t deserve to win, but I did anyway.  

In the process of those first few months, I made friendships that I truly cherished.   People that I care about to this day, even the ones that I don’t see very often.   I would keep coming back to AIPCO every month, having more success than I should have that first year, but gaining in knowledge every time out.   And that community, that group of players, would become my family.   It started as people that I would talk about poker with, but eventually became people that I would talk about life with.   People I would do anything for,and who I knew would be there for me if I needed them.  

I created my home game early in 2007, and invited those people that I truly enjoyed being around.  The only rule of that early group of people was that you couldn’t be an asshole.   At the end of that first year, the group of people that we had playing regularly truly felt like family.   There is a dying tradition in this country of family get togethers, where the family comes together once a week for dinner, and to catch up with one another.   My Tuesday night poker tournament became that family get together.   We would share good news and bad, and we all cared very much about one another.  

Over the last couple of years, we’ve lost a number of our regular players, and every time someone stops coming around, I’m devastated.   I feel as though I have lost a member of my family, because that’s what the players here represent tome.   Texting someone or sending an email isn’t the same as actually being able to sit across from someone and ask how their week was.  

As the crowds grew smaller, we lost other players because they couldn’t make as much money here as they could playing in the poker rooms in town.   I understand that, and I wish them well.   Because that’s never been what my tournament is about.   They are absolutely right, they can’t make as much here as they can at a poker room.   I pay out too many spots here, and don’t reward first place as well.   That’s never going to change.   I’m not trying to make this hyper competitive or a winner take all attitude.   Elaine said it best when she started playing here again, “If you’re coming here to make money, you’re coming for all the wrong reasons.”  

Those of you who play here regularly, thank you for being my family.   Thank you for filling the void in my life when my mom passed away.  Thank you for being a part of my life every week.   I love every one of you as much as any family member I’ve ever had.

Those of you who play here occasionally, thank you for also being a part of my family, even though I wish I saw you more.   I love you all too, and I hope you know that you are always welcome here.

Those of you who have stopped playing here, know that I miss you very much.   Those of you that don’t play here because you want to win big at the poker rooms, I wish you nothing but luck.  Those of you who stopped playing here for any other reason, I miss you even more.   You are all my family, and when I no longer see you, I feel as though I’ve lost a family member.  I have lost a large amount of sleep over the people I consider family that no longer come over.  I hope to see you again, and hope that you will always know that you’re always welcome here, and we would all love to see you. 

And finally, to those of you who haven’t played here, but think about it, or have thought about it, or are intrigued by it, I hope this lets you know what it is about here.  You’re not going to make a lot of money.   90% of the people who play here are within $100 +/- for the year.   Tuesday nights are about seeing friends, enjoying my cookies, drinking Gary’s wine, and feeling like Norm walking into Cheers, everyone knows you and loves you, and just wants to have a night of fun sitting across the table from you and talking to you.   The only rule still is:  No one can be an asshole.   Some weeks there’s only a handful of us,some weeks a table full, and some weeks we still get a big crowd.   But no matter what, we are family, and always have fun.  

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Thank you to anyone who made it through this.   I tend to ramble, especially about things that I care about.   I’m an emotional guy, and this has been a very emotional topic for me this year.   Thank you for your time, I love you all. 

Why can't I write... Shut up Rob, just sit down and write

Recurring theme, isn't it? Anyone that reads my blog knows what sort of writers block I have had over the past few years. Depression and anxiety go hand in hand with my inability to write. Which is really a shame, because writing is the one thing that truly makes me feel whole. It's the only thing that just strips away all the pain and hurt and insecurity, and just lets my mind fly. More than sex, or love, or poker, or cooking, or anything else that I enjoy. Writing is what does it. All I can think of is that my mind subconsciously wants to hurt. Or doesn't think I deserve happiness. Whatever it is, I need to overcome my writer's block, because the stagnation that I feel right now is killing me.

I always make these proclamations that I'm going to try and write more. I want to, but getting my mind and body to coordinate long enough to get me in front of the computer and actually sitting down to write seems like a Sisyphean task. Every day the weight gets heavier, and the mental block gets larger. But honestly, the words never fail to materialize once I'm here. Once my hands are on the keyboard, the words come. It's just getting myself to sit here, to place my hands upon the keyboard, to look at the monitor and type.

I feel good tonight. It's the first night in a long time, the first night not shrouded in the darkness and fog of depression. So, of course, the words choose tonight to come. I need them less tonight, but it still feels good. It still gives hope, and calms my soul. Now, if I can just materialize this energy tomorrow, or the next day, and then again this week or next...

I have so many things that I want to say, but tonight is just about the process. Tonight is just saying, "Hello world, I'm back, even if only for tonight."

I don't ask for help. Part of that is my upbringing, and part of that is my stubbornness, and part of that is not knowing how. I'm hurting right now, and I wouldn't know how to ask for help even if there was something that anyone could do. Just know that those of you who actually read this blog, who read the inner ramblings of my mind, even when it's just a few paragraphs about depression and writer's block, know that I love you for it. Thank you for your time, because if you can take the time to read this, you have taken the time to care. It doesn't matter if there's nothing else that you can do. And you don't need to tell me, because there really isn't anything else that you can do. You care enough to read, and that's good enough for me.

I will do my best to continue to write.

Much love.

R

Why We Hate LeBron

I’ve been listening to numerous radio and television personalities over the past few days, talking about LeBron James, and how he’s so maligned. His interview with Michael Wilbon in which he talked about how he’s the easiest target in sports; Tony Kornheiser’s podcast where no one on the show could really understand why he’s so hated other than lingering resentment over “The Decision”; various talking heads talking about how everyone seems to pile on as soon as he stumbles. They are all missing the point entirely.

Sure, “The Decision” was about the biggest public relations nightmare anyone could ever conceive of. I’m sure if LeBron had it to do over again, he’d gladly change how he handled his departure from Cleveland. But the hatred that goes along with that isn’t because of how he departed Cleveland, it’s because he left at all.

Quick, name me three NBA superstars that left as free agents. I’ll wait. Okay, who did you come up with? Shaq. Who else? Um…. No one? That’s because none of them have. At least not until they are long, LONG past their prime, in the last gasp of their careers, and don’t realize that they should have hung up their sneakers a few years earlier. Yes, I’m talking about Hakeem as a Raptor, The Mailman and The Glove as Lakers, and yes, the grand-daddy of them all, Michael Jordan playing as a Washington Wizard. You all get a pass. Because watching someone who should have retired years ago hobble around on the court is pathetic, and we feel sorry for you, not angry at you.

Shaq gets a pass for two reasons. One, he went to the Lakers, and the Lakers seemingly always get a pass. Two, because he’s Shaq. He’s a goofball that makes fun of himself. We always give a pass to people that are funny and self-deprecating. So, even though he left his team in the prime of his career, no one could be angry at Shaq unless they paid money to see Kazaam, or for a CD of Shaq Diesel.

Every other superstar of the last 30 years has either played with his team for his entire career, or if they didn’t, it was because they were traded, not because they voluntarily left. And we applaud them for it. It doesn’t matter if they won it all or not, we love people who break their backs for the fans that idolize them for their entire careers.

They are all beloved, because they chose to stay and struggle, rather than do what LeBron did, and leave. Kobe Bryant understood this, which is why he stayed with the Lakers despite the struggles of the mid-2000’s. He can weather the sexual assault charges, an on-again off-again marriage, and years of public perception that he’s selfish, aloof, and a general a-hole. But he stayed with the team despite its struggles, and eventually became the most popular athlete in the sport again.

Kareem (traded from Milwaukee), Magic and Worthy with the Lakers; Bird, Parish, and McHale with the Celtics; Dr. J with Philly; David Robinson (and later Duncan, Parker and Ginobili) with the Spurs; Stockton and Malone with the Jazz; Isaiah with Detroit; Hakeem with the Rockets; Dirk with the Mavs; all of them stayed with one team.

Sure, there are the second tier guys that have bounced around. There are also the guys who would be shuffled around via trade: Jason Kidd, Charles Barkley, Allen Iverson, etc. The only other near star that left in the prime of his career was Steve Nash, who wanted desperately to stay in Dallas, and gave Mark Cuban every chance to match the offer he got from Phoenix. But Nash, despite the MVP’s, isn’t a superstar on the LeBron/Kobe/Jordan level.

We expect someone of that level to carry his team on his back, rise up, and claim the Championship. We loved Jordan because the Pistons knocked him down over and over, and yet he kept getting up and eventually was the best player in the world because of it. We forgave Kobe all his transgressions because he kept working harder than anyone else, and when he finally got the pieces around him to win again, he rose up and took it.

I’ve heard many people over the years say that LeBron could never have won the title in Cleveland, because they were never going to be able to surround him with enough talent to win. Bullshit. He’s 29. Right now, he’s 29, and he’s been in Miami for four years. He got to the finals with Cleveland when he was only 22. You don’t think that if he had stayed with the Cavs, with as weak and feeble as the East is now, that they would have found a way to surround him with enough talent to get back there a couple of times?

Dirk won a title coming out of a stacked Western conference, with a bunch of cripples and has-beens. And we love him for it, because he carried his team to the title on his back, and even though he could have left Dallas a number of times to go somewhere that would have made him a more immediate threat, he didn’t go. He understood. LeBron still doesn’t get it.

It doesn’t matter how many titles he wins with Miami. He can win 7 in a row, people will still hate him. Not because of HOW he left Cleveland, but because he left there at all.

What is potential, and have I failed miserably?

When I was younger, I never really doubted that I would be successful in my life. I have an abnormally high intelligence, came from a family that offered me a middle class background, financial and emotional security, and a solid support network. School came easily, and I was a hard worker. I was never tempted by drugs, other than the usual alcohol that nearly everyone goes through in their late teens to early 20s. Everything always came a little too easily to me, but if anything, that usually is a harbinger of success as well. By age 30, I already owned my own home, had a decent amount of money invested, collected art, had paid off my car, had a solid social network, and a decent if not spectacular job that I enjoyed.

Now, I'm 42. And most days I struggle to not feel like a failure. Most of the investment money is gone. Still own the house, but am unable to repair or upgrade anything because I can't afford to. Haven't bought a piece of art in 6 years. Haven't golfed in two. My car is now almost 18 years old, breaks down regularly, but I can't afford a new one and can barely afford the repairs. Have a job I enjoy, but it's only half-time, and doesn't pay very well. The foundation of my support network, my mom, died last year. I have a wonderful woman that loves me, and friends that are there if I ask, but I never really learned how to ask. My dad shows signs of dementia, I'm mostly estranged from the rest of my family. My health is below average, and most days I lack the mental drive to do anything about it, which only spirals me further.

There are days when I can't fathom how it all went so wrong. There are days when I just wish above everything else, that I could go back and make different choices along the path of my life. I have a 180 IQ, and could have gone anywhere and done anything. Most days I feel like the poster child for wasted potential.

And then... I question, "What is success?" And I go back to my favorite poem of all time, credited to Emerson, but in reality not his, and no one really knows who wrote it, so the credit continues to go to him...

Success

To laugh often and much
to win the respect
of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation
of honest critics and endure
the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others;
to leave the world
a bit better, whether
by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life
has breathed easier
because you have lived.
That is to have succeeded.

And if that is what it means to be a success, then I have fulfilled my destiny and can rest easier. Because that is how I have always lived my life, and I think I've done a pretty damn good job of it.

I look around my life, and there are so many things that make me sad. So many things that I would change if only I had the money, or drive, or motivation to do so. I'm tired, and feel beaten down on far more days that I wake up feeling good. But I do not stay down, and do not give up. It is not in my nature to push myself, but it is not in my nature to quit either.

I try to make the lives of everyone I know, everyone I come into contact with, a little better. I try to make you smile, I will help you up when you fall, I will support you when you need me. I ask for nothing in return, because I was raised to help those less fortunate than you.

I don't have money to do any of the things I want to do. We haven't taken a vacation in years, hell, we can't even afford to go to the coast for a weekend. I'm on food stamps. I'm on Oregon Health Plan. I rely on the charity of others far too much. My shoes are 10 years old, and falling apart.

But, for every hardship, I am still thankful.

I pay way too much on my house, it's financed at 6.65% and I can't refinance because I no longer qualify for the loan I have. But I have a house, have never missed a payment, and have lots of equity even if I can't actually get to it.

My car breaks down, Sara's car breaks down, and we can't really afford repairs or anything new. But I have a car, and she has a car, and we can get to where we need to go when we need to get there.

I have lost much of my family, and many friends over the last few years. But I'm blessed with so many wonderful friends that care about me. I have more than most, and I'm thankful every day.

So I ask myself on a regular basis, have I failed? Is my life truly the poster for failed potential, and miserable failure? There are certainly people out there that would say yes. Anyone driven by career or money or any measure of success that can be assessed by what you own or the size of your bank account. In that regard, I have failed utterly. But have I failed? Emerson (or whoever the author truly is) would say no. To the people who look at success as something measured by the people whose lives you touch, and whether the world is a better place because of your presence, then I haven't failed at all.

The days that are hard are the ones where I measure myself by the former, and the days filled with smiles are when I measure myself by the latter. I just wish the world made it a little easier to always do the latter. I'm trying.

Thank you all for reading, I love you all.

What I Learned, What I'm Thankful For, and What I'd Like to Forget About 2013

I sit down for the first time in many years to write this blog without having the Rush live CD of Different Stages Live playing in the background. Why? Because as of today, I’m the proud owner of the brand new 3-disc Rush Clockwork Angels Tour CD set. So, with the annual tradition of live Rush music playing in the background, it is my pleasure to bring you once again, What I’ve Learned, What I’m Thankful For, and What I’d Like To Forget About…. 2013.

A disclaimer up front: If I tagged you, it’s because either A) you’re in this somewhere, or B) you’ve been tagged in a previous year’s entry, or C) you’ve liked or commented on previous year’s blogs. Don’t feel compelled to read simply because you’re tagged, but I’m thrilled if you’d like to.

On to the blog….

Obviously,the first entry is a no-brainer. I’d really, really, REALLY like to forget that my mom is gone. Fuck. 2013 can suck it for that reason alone. It was a tough year overall, but of course the hardest part was losing the one person on this planet that I’ve always been able to talk to, confide in, and seek counsel from. She was the glue that held my family together, and the common ground that we all shared. I miss her so much, and I’ve really still not come to terms with it. I could ramble on for half of this blog, but none of it could really say more than that. I miss you, mom.

I’m thankful that my sister and I were able to be there to hold her hand when she passed.

I’m thankful that my Dad is still here. I had said for years that if my mom went first, I didn’t expect him to last another year. Heck, I didn’t really expect six months. His health is shitty, and getting worse. But he hasn’t given up, which I fully expected, and we talk every week, which I really didn’t expect. This is all bonus time for me, as it is unexpected.

I’m thankful for Sara. She always feels a little slighted in these year end blogs, and I don’t mention her as often as I should. She deserves far better than I, that’s for sure. She always seems to know just what I need, and to provide it. She’s truly wonderful that way.

I learned that Max can actually have a friend. Honestly, in the 8+ years of his life, he really hasn’t ever had one. He’s either been the bully (with Chance, with Jasmine) or been bullied (by Isis, by the dogs). But when we brought home Moirae earlier this year, within a week, they were playing for hours every day. He loves that cat, and it shows in his every action. It is really wonderful to watch.

I’d like to forget that Max is really the only person that Moirae likes to spend time with. She’s just about the least affectionate cat I’ve ever owned. Here’s to hoping she grows out of that at some point.

I’m thankful that I was able to get promoted to a half-time position with the county this year. It will take a while to move into something full-time, but eventually it will happen.

I’d like to forget that Diablo’s is closed. Having been a performer there for the past four-plus years, I feel very blessed to have been a part of it. Losing it near the end of the year, after suffering much loss throughout the year was just another very painful blow. Wherever we end up in the future won’t be nearly as special.

I learned that fate does sometimes deliver things to us that we don’t even realize the significance of for quite some time. In January, I was dealing with the final decline of my mom, and the loss of this powerful woman full of light and love from my life. Little did I know that I would be blessed with another powerful woman full of light and love and joy coming into my life that same month. I’m so thankful to Stuart for having the confidence in me and my BDSM skills to introduce me to Dani at the Fetish Ball last January. From that initial meeting, I have gained one of the truly great friends and loves in my life. She is like this giant beacon of joy and light that never fails to make me smile. And until I sat down to write this blog, I really hadn’t put together the timing of it all, that as one light was extinguished, another came to fruition.

I’d like to forget the struggles of AIPCO to maintain a higher level of attendance this year. I look back longingly on the dawn of my poker career, when we would have 120-140 players, because it was just about the only tournament in the state in 2004. Now, with a poker room in every neighborhood, and bars having games as well, our numbers have dwindled down so far. I hope that we can turn it around in the coming year.

I’m very thankful to have been the player of the year at AIPCO for the third year in a row.

I’d like to forget that in one year, I went from someone who had never finished an AIPCO tournament as a runner-up, to the all-time leader in 2nd place finishes, with four.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to see a “real” poker player this year, as Noah decided to drop in on my Tuesday night game (which I still believe is one of the toughest home games in town), and just toy with us for a couple of hours, and then walk off with a win and our money. We are but children…

I’m thankful for this new Rush album, which is great. I’m also very thankful to Fathom events for actually putting on a Rush concert that I could go watch in the movie theater for $20, instead of having to pay $150 or so to see them in concert.

I’d like to forget that I couldn’t afford to actually see them in concert.

I’m very thankful to Sara for actually sitting through the Rush concert at the movie theater with me. As an aside, Sara really hates going to the movies. She loves movies, but prefers to watch them at home, where she can fall asleep halfway through, and then watch the other half the next week when HBO replays it. She doesn’t like actually going to the movies, where she’s forced to either stay awake or fall asleep in a theater full of people. But I’m very proud of her for making a commitment to go to one movie a month with me, because I love going to see them in the theater. She was way behind for much of the year, but actually went to three in December to almost get caught up.

I’d like to forget that whole minus-10 degree weather we had here for a while. Hey mother nature, let’s not do that one again for 30 or 40 years, huh?

I learned that Fogarty Creek State Park here on the Oregon coast might just be the best place I’ve ever been to find awesome seashells. Seriously, if you’re one of those people that just likes spending an hour sorting through piles of shells on a shore, take a day trip out there sometime. It’s amazing.

I’m thankful for the wonderful hike Sara and I had at Sweet Creek Falls in Mapleton this year. Sara would like to forget the time that she went with her sister and parked at the 2nd parking lot instead of the first one, thinking there was no difference. And really, there’s no difference at all. Except for the mile or so of beautiful hiking, and the fact that you miss all of the waterfalls except for the last one. Other than that, no difference. ;)

I learned that the best new cheesecake flavor in 2013 is… Dark Chocolate with Coconut. It is the first time I’ve ever made myself a cheesecake based solely on how good the batter looked from someone else’s order.

Remember in previous years all the times I said that I’d like to forget how much soda I drank, or how much candy I’d consumed…. Well, this year, I’d like to forget that I had to go on medication for my blood sugar thanks to all those years of soda and candy consumption.

I’m thankful that I can still have a dessert now and then.

I’m thankful that diet soda no longer tastes like cardboard that was left out in the rain for an entire winter, and then baked with vinegar until it was crispy,and then ground down into a powder and mixed with water. No, really, diet soda actually tastes fairly good now.

I’d like to forget that I still drink too much soda, only now it’s diet soda. Double whammy of badness there.

I’m thankful for everyone that ordered cheesecakes from me this year. Seriously, you’re helping me pay the bills, so thank you.

I’d like to forget that there aren’t more of you regularly consuming cheesecakes. But it’s okay, I love you all anyway.

I’m very thankful that not only did 2013 bring me the joy and light of Dani, but it introduced another great friend to both Sara and I, who if I hadn’t already had Dani in my life, would easily be the most positive, joyous and happy person I’ve ever known. Thank you Adora for bringing so much positive energy, love and light into our lives. You are wonderful.

I’m thankful for being able to help bring a private fetish club into Eugene, as a founding member and board member of FetClub.

I’d like to forget that we’ve been in limbo for two months as we try to find a new home for that club with the loss of Diablo’s.

I’m thankful for the visual spectacle that was Gravity. I don’t know that I’ve ever had such an intense experience at the movies. It left a little to be desired in the storytelling aspect, but wow, what a rush!

I’d really like to forget that whole Miley Cyrus/Robin Thicke thing at the MTV awards. Really, I’d like to forget it. But it’s scarred my brain, and she just WON’T GO AWAY!

Along those lines, I’d like to forget that “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” show was Ryan Seacrest, Miley Cyrus, Macklemore, Debbie Harry and Jenny McCarthy. America… This is why we can’t have nice things….

I’d like to forget that most of you are probably paying more for your healthcare than you were just a few days ago. Really, I’d love to forget that, and I feel bad for all of you. Obama lied. I love the guy, still, even after all of his fuck-ups, I love the guy. But he lied and screwed most of you over. But you know what? This is MY blog, and MY year end recap, and so…

I’m SOOOOO thankful for Obamacare. Because for the first time in many years, I have health care. And not only that, I qualified for OHP+, which means that for the first time ever, I’ve got vision coverage, dental coverage, mental health coverage, and so much more. And there’s very little out of pocket expense to me at all. I can actually go in starting this month,and get all of the things that I’ve had to ignore and/or just “deal with” for the last few years, and start getting treated for them.

I learned that with some excellent sous chef help from Sara and Adora, my little galley kitchen can actually churn out 22 courses for 20. We had fewer people at the year end party this year, but we had more courses. Next year I’m shooting for more. On both courses and people.

I’m thankful for Diablo 3, which I got as a Christmas present. Diablo 2 was a huge time suck many years ago, but I just couldn’t justify spending the money on the game this year. Thankfully Sara decided that I should have something to do for all those nights when she’s asleep by 9, and I’m up until 3am.

I learned that I have only enough energy to write one or the other: emails or blogs. I have kept up on emails all year, which is really amazing for me. There were years in the past when I’d have emails in my inbox from three years prior, which I just kept telling myself “I’ll get to that tomorrow”. No more. I get back to emails almost always within a few days. Unfortunately, this has come at the expense of my blog, which only had a couple of entries this year. I really WANT to write more. I’m going to make the same declaration that I will try to write more that I’ve made the past couple of years. But I’m also realistic, in knowing that there’s a good chance it won’t happen.

I’d like to forget that it probably won’t happen, because I’ve learned that writing is one of the few therapeutic avenues that I have left to me.

I learned that when all of your stress-relieving outlets are either removed or become stressful themselves, anxiety becomes a real bitch to deal with. I’ve always been a pretty low-key low-stress person. One of the reasons that I’ve always been able to maintain that is because I’ve always been good at spreading out my stress-relief outlets. I’d have someone to talk to, as well as a physical outlet or two, and a mental outlet or two. For the past few years of my life, that consisted primarily of my mom (for talking to), golf and my BDSM activities (for the physical outlet), and poker and writing (for the mental outlet). Well, in 2013, I lost my mom; I didn’t play golf once because I can’t afford to; Diablo’s closed limiting my BDSM play; AIPCO (and to a lesser extent my Tuesday game) have struggled with attendance and become stressful just from trying to keep them up to previous levels; and I struggled with writers block and didn’t write much at all. So, I went from five outlets for stress to none, and my anxiety went through the roof.

I’m thankful that I have been able to realize all of those things, and how they helped in the past and hurt this year, and am slowly taking steps to alleviate all of the pressure that built in the last year. It will take time, but bridges are being built.

I’d like to forget that we really slacked on our coupon skills for the last half of the year.

I’m thankful that Sara was able to reclaim victory in her yearly battle with the yard. It wasn’t a blowout win on her part, but it was clearly a victory: we have a garden! We actually ate food from our yard! Still plenty of work to be done, and I think I heard whispering followed by a cackle from a big pile of weeds in a dark corner in back, but for now, Sara’s winning.

I’d like to forget that we did indeed lose an animal this year. And I’d like to forget that we haven’t made a bigger deal of it. Hydro, one of the leopard geckos, died early in the year. We still have one, and what I learned next means we might have him for a while.

I learned that leopard geckos don’t live 10-15 years as previously thought. They can live up to 35 years. So, he might just outlive us all. Well, probably not Sara, but the rest of us will be gone if he dies of old age.

As I am every year, I’m thankful for Paulo Coelho. Dude just inspires me to be a better person, and to treat the people around me better. I cannot stress highly enough that if you’ve never read any of his work, go buy one of his books now. The Alchemist is great, but really, any of them are going to change your life and how you view others.

I’d like to forget that I didn’t send out any cards this year other than Christmas. That’s a habit I will get back into doing in 2014. Because everyone loves getting real mail, with something written by hand inside.

I’d like to forget that most of the people who I send those cards to this year won’t be able to read my god-awful penmanship. Sorry, folks. Just take my word for it, it’s filled with really happy, inspiring thoughts and wonderful words of encouragement. It says I love you and I think you’re awesome. Trust me. It looks like it says, “akl;rejhioasheopihjkal;sdfl;kashgoi;a”, but it doesn’t. It says I love you and think you’re awesome. Really.

I’m thankful for the revitalization of downtown Eugene. Adora and I spent a night just walking through downtown, and there are so many amazing restaurants, businesses and places to hang out down there now. I remember years ago when it was basically 50 homeless kids and a bunch of empty buildings. Now it’s actually a place people WANT to go.

I’d like to forget that one of the best new restaurants in town is actually called “Party Downtown”. Seriously. That is quite possibly the worst name in the history of all business names. It would be fine if it was a party shop. It would be great if it was a nightclub. It is neither. It’s a locally sourced, gourmet foodie restaurant. Some of the best food I’ve had in town. They are really quite amazing, and I highly recommend you eating there. But this is one of those names that makes you question the intelligence of anyone running the business, and fear that if they’re that inept, they’ll never keep it afloat.

I learned that The Zingaro is hands down the best food cart in town. And that’s saying something, because there are some great ones here. But those guys are awesome. A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Hot dog split in half, stuffed with cheese,wrapped in bacon, and deep fried. For the win! Seriously, they’re amazing, and cheap, and just really nice people. Gave us a free pumpkin and chocolate chip brownie just for stopping by and complimenting them.

I’m thankful for the absolutely epic Halloween party that was put on by Ian Dustrial and friends. Four live bands in the house, at least that many DJs with a dance floor in the back yard, free Ninkasi on tap, The Zingaro serving food, hundreds of people there until dawn…and I even had numerous people who let me paddle them (I went as the naughty priest). Seriously, I will never miss this party again.

I learned that Natalie Jeanne bites harder than anyone I have ever known in my life. I still have a scar on my thumb. Damn.

I learned that MeadHall is easily the most beautiful dungeon in Oregon. Seriously, even if you’re not into BDSM, you should checkout the website. It’s gorgeous.

I’d like to forget that I decided not to bowl this year for both time and financial reasons. It’s a big commitment, but I miss the friends that I had there.

I’d like to forget that A) the hot tub was out of commission for quite a few months, and B)the hot tub cost about $500 to get back INTO commission.

I’m still so very thankful to have a hot tub.

I learned (from observing not participating) that jello wrestling is very cold, very messy, and very difficult to clean up.

I’m thankful to have had Sara’s birthday to allow me to observe jello wrestling in our backyard.

I learned that if you leave a container of jello sitting in the back yard for a couple of months, that eventually it becomes this breeding ground for small flying insects. This in turn creates a huge feed source for the spiders that normally occupy the trees and plants around where the jello is sitting. This in turn makes those spiders grow to outrageously large size.

I learned that Sara is okay with one of those spiders existing, because she views it almost as “her pet”. I learned that the moment Sara realized that the huge spider that she thought was “her pet” was just another random huge spider created by the now glowing and radioactive jello in the back yard, I officially had the okay to kill anything that moved.

I learned that tarantulas aren’t the only spiders that grow to that size. All it takes to have a spider that’s three inches across is… wait for it… Oh, you know the answer: Jello left outside for a couple of months.

I’d like to forget the spider that was almost as wide as the shoe used to smash him.

I’d like to forget that even at that size, there’s people right now reading this blog saying to themselves “You killed it?! You could have just scooped him up and put him outside! He was more scared of you than you were of him!” To that last one, No, he wasn’t. It’s five months later and I’m still spooked. And if I had put him outside, he might have killed the dogs. Seriously, any bigger and he would be feeding on squirrels.

I’m thankful that the previous five paragraphs being all about spiders hasn’t completely scared all of you off.

I learned that after that much spider talk, I need a break and a soda (diet!) and I’ll be right back.

I learned that more than any show on TV or cable, “Kitten TV” is the most entertaining thing you can watch.

I am so very,very thankful for the final episode of “Breaking Bad”. Quite possibly the most perfect episode of TV ever filmed. I always thought that “The Shield” nailed it about as good as could be, both for a final season and a final episode. But this one beat it by a mile.

I’m thankful for a new TV series once again this year. If you’re not watching The Blacklist, you’re really missing out. Anyone who heard that James Spader was going to be the bad guy in the new Avengers movie, and incredulously thought, “Really?” Watch this show,and you will be praising the move. I don’t think anyone has had this much fun in a TV show since Shatner was doing Boston Legal.

I’m also thankful for new show Masters of Sex, and returning faves Game of Thrones, Justified, and Sons of Anarchy (Like a game of Clue, I’ll take: Gemma, in the kitchen, with the carving fork!).

I’m thankful for anyone still reading. It’s longer this year. Difference between a kick-ass 2-disc live set, and an even more kick-ass3-disc live set. Seriously, this concert is awesome. Once again, I’ll burn you a copy if you want it.

I’m thankful for epic hugs from Phaedra. And anyone else.

Speaking of hugs, I learned that sometimes, you can hug a random person at Costco and it’s a wonderful thing. Thank you Adora and unknown elderly woman who complimented our hug and got a group hug in return.

I’m thankful for the fact that I actually used my treadmill a bit this year. I’d like to say that I’m going to use it a LOT more in 2014, but I’m not that ambitious. A little more, or at least not any less is my goal.

I’m thankful for the fact that I was under 200 pounds all year for the first time since college if you discount the year I had cancer. Not much under, I’ve been between 193 and 198 all year. But not over 200 at any point in 2013. Let me remind you all of my secret to this success: Bacon and stress. The bacon and stress diet works,folks. I’ll be writing the bacon and stress diet book any day now.

I’m thankful that I’ve actually managed to keep my desk clean for weeks at a time this year. The rest of my office might look like shit (and occasionally smell like it since the cat litter boxes are in here), but my desk is marginally organized.

The second biggest thing I’d like to forget about this year is that I had to cannibalize my retirement fund in order to pay off the defaulted student loan of someone who hasn’t been a part of my life for many years. Honestly, at this point, I’d like to forget absolutely everything about that person. I’m thankful that I had the money to do it, and they couldn’t come after my house, but seriously, that was a big bummer.

The previous experience did allow me to learn that Becca is now no longer at the bottom of the “worst girlfriend ever” list, and can actually be named now, as someone else has taken over the title of “She who shall not be named”.

I’d like to forget that if Sara is ever in the same room as “She Who Shall Not Be Named”, that she will most likely end up in prison, with the other party ending up in the morgue.

I’d like to forget that people going into high school this year were born in the year 2000. Want to be even more freaked out? Next year, there will be people in high school born AFTER the Sept. 11th attacks. Fuck, I’m old.

I’m thankful for the people at Pita Pit who actually know how to make a wonderful, huge pita. I’m thankful for the other people who work there too, but only because they’re gorgeous college girls. They can’t make a pita for shit, but at least they’re cute to look at.

I learned how to make some really amazing lemon cookies this year. Super easy, and they are the type of cookie that you can eat a dozen of and not even realize it.

I’m thankful for more hikes with Courtney.

I’d like to forget the fact that Hallmark carries almost no funny cards anymore for Christmas. Most of you get the DCL, and I apologize for the “unfunny” or “marginally funny” cards that it came in this year. I had no options, and am a little bummed about that.

I’m thankful for the wonderful cocktail of melatonin and Benadryl that has allowed me to sleep marginally well for the past few months. Hopefully I’ll actually be able to get real sleeping pills from a doctor soon.

I’d like to forget that I need to take pills every night to sleep.

I’d like to forget that I had to put my car in the shop three times this summer for various ailments.

I’m very thankful that my car is still running, despite having 180K miles on it, and my job requiring me to put another 500 miles a week on it.

I’d like to forget that I still haven’t really gotten over Chance dying in 2012.

I’m thankful for the comedy genius that is Sterling Archer. Season 5 premiere is Monday the 13th.

I learned that Sweet Cheeks winery is a really great place to hang out and spend anafternoon.

I’m thankful for anyone who has made it this far. Seriously, I’m at nearly 10 pages in my MS Word, so I suppose I should wrap it up, even though I could undoubtedly come up with plenty more about the year that has now passed. It had way too much loss, of friends, of family, of animals, of businesses…. Just too much loss. But despite all of that, I ended the year feeling better about things than I have in a long time. And it’s all because of all of you.

Because as is the case every year, the thing I’m most thankful for is all of you. I feel truly blessed to have friends as amazing as all of you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think I’m the luckiest guy around because of the people that I’m able to call my friends. My life is more rich, beautiful, exciting, and fulfilled because of the contributions each and every one of you make. I truly love you all, and thank you for being in my life.

I hope to see you all in the coming year. If not, I hope to hear from you. And if neither of those happens, just know that I’m thinking fondly of you.