Vulnerability is Sexy

I had a long conversation with a friend on facebook tonight. She's not someone that I have ever met in person, but I do consider her a friend. The wonders of the internet age, allowing for instant friendship. She is a truly wonderful person, and I enjoy our occasional chats. She unfortunately has one of those boyfriends who is afraid that everyone in the world is out to steal his girlfriend from him. So, we often talk about that, as we did tonight.

I think I have done a pretty good job at overcoming the jealousy and insecurity that used to plague me when I was younger. I know that my ex- would disagree with that statement, as she used that as a "justification" for her leaving me. Of course, given that she was seeing someone behind my back for the last month of our relationship, and that she moved in with him a couple of weeks after accepting my proposal, I'd say that my fears had some basis in reality on that particular occasion. But, I digress...

For the most part, I have just never understood the men who are upset when their girlfriend gets a compliment from another guy. I have always taken it as a compliment not only to her, but to me as well. If someone tells my girlfriend that she's beautiful, my only thought is, damn right she is. I don't get upset at the guy for thinking it. I certainly think it, or else I wouldn't be with that person. So am I supposed to think that the woman I'm with is beautiful, but that I'm the only one gifted enough to see that? Am I supposed to want everyone else in the world to think that she's ugly? I'm not that insecure.

In the past, when I've been in relationships, I've always taken a certain amount of pride in the fact that I can make the women in my life feel as though they are the most beautiful women in the world. Because if I'm spending time with them, if I'm choosing to be with that person, and hopefully build something long term with them, then to me they ARE the most beautiful woman in the world. And when I walk into a room with her on my arm, I want to have every person in that room turn and look and say, "Damn, that's a lucky guy". I WANT every guy in there to think that she's sexy, and she's beautiful, and that they wish their partner looked that good.

I'm certainly not going to be worried that simply because some random stranger thinks that my girlfriend is hot, and tells her so, that she is suddenly going to run off with that guy. If I actually NEED to worry about something like that, then our relationship won't survive much longer anyway.

Fidelity should be a given in a relationship. Even for those friends of mine who are in poly relationships, fidelity is still a given. They might have multiple partners, but it is something that is negotiated beforehand. Everything is open. In a monogamous relationship, fidelity is just something that must exist. It isn't ever something that you should be worried about. People always seem to have the wrong idea about it, I think. Most people look at that as something that they should be concerned about. That if it ever happened, it would break the relationship. That's backwards thinking. Infidelity happens because the relationship is already broken.

Most people who commit an act of infidelity aren't sitting around, happy with themselves, totally happy in a committed relationship, and wake up one morning saying, "I think I'll go cheat on my partner today. That'll be great!" I do believe that there is a small, very small, portion of people out there who cheat simply because they are wired that way. There's a bigger portion, still relatively small overall, who cheat because they are unhappy with themselves, and feel as though they don't deserve the happiness that they currently enjoy.

The biggest percentage of people who stray though, come from people who aren't happy in the current relationship. Usually, this is due to a lack of communication. There will be a variety of factors: unfulfilled sexual desires/fantasies, lack of intimacy, lack of emotional connections, etc. But I believe that all of those, and nearly every other factor that leads to infidelity, comes from a lack of communication. If you can't talk to your partner, about EVERYTHING, no matter how small, big, scary, unpleasant, tragic, hurtful... you can't ever build true intimacy with that person. And without that intimacy, without that communication, eventually you will find yourself unhappy with them. Once you're both unhappy, then either the relationship will end, or one (or both) of you will look outside the relationship to meet those needs.

I used to be afraid to share the worst parts of me with my partners. I would put up this facade, trying to be perfect all the time. I have since learned that perfect is more about letting your guard down, rather than putting it up. Vulnerability is sexy. Vulnerability is true love. Opening up about your fears, your hopes, your kinks, your flaws, every deep dark secret you have, allows your partner to not only trust you, but in turn, open up about theirs.

I hope that my friend is able to convince her partner that he doesn't have anything to worry about. After two years, I have my doubts. But I know that she loves him, and that she has never given him any reason not to trust her. Hopefully he will realize what he has before he loses it. Love is a rare and precious gift, and if we're lucky, we get a few cracks at it in our lives. To lose one (or more) of those chances, from simple insecurities and petty jealousy seems like such a waste.

The Nature of Happiness

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" -- Charles Schulz

I've found myself dwelling on happiness a lot lately. More so this week, after the contact from Becca. But even before that, it had been a topic that I had been thinking about a lot over the past couple of months. What causes some of us to be happier than others? Is it genetics, or environment, or just our own unique brain chemistry?

I know that I'm happier now than I have been in the past. Certainly happier than when I was much younger. I think, for me, the change came when I had cancer so many years ago. The first step towards a happier Rob. I mean, I was happy then too. I always love to tell the story about when I found out that I had cancer. The first thing that I did was to go home, and spend a few hours with some old .wav editing software, crafting George Carlin's bit on cancer into a 30 second outgoing answering machine message. I loved that message. So did the nurses in the cancer ward. I remember coming home and having about 10 hang-ups on my machine, and then a message from the lead nurse, still laughing, saying that she had loved the message so much that she had all of the nurses working that day call up and listen to it. Made my day.

But, as happy as I was then, I didn't realize that it would change my life even more. I never feared for my life through that process. I was young, in arguably the best shape of my life, and it was a type of cancer that even at its most advanced stages, still has a 50% cure rate. And I had caught it early. You never know just how something like that will effect you though. While I didn't think at the time that it had had any effect at all, I look back now and realize that it did. Everything falls away. Like water off the back of a duck, it just falls away.

One of the greatest lines that anyone has ever used to describe me was "If he was any mellower, he'd be dead." I love that line. Not much gets to me anymore. People wonder how I could go through the situation with Becca, and not have it effect me more than it did. Because I'm happy with myself, and happy with my life. I'm a good person, and I treat the people in my life with the respect, kindness and love that they deserve. We all deserve that. Just because someone treats me poorly, doesn't give me the liberty to treat someone else poorly in kind. Not even the one who treated me in that way.

I truly believe that happiness comes down to what you think of yourself. There are circumstances that I would love to change about my life. I'd like a job, for one. I'd love to have a truly meaningful relationship with someone that I love, and who loves me in turn. I'd like to have enough money to replace the cat-piss stained carpet in the back two bedrooms. I'd like to be able to travel more, and see the world. I'd like to have the discipline to eat less than a manatee. But, despite all of that, I like myself. I may offer up a healthy dose of self-deprecation on a regular basis, but more than anything, that is simply a half-hearted attempt at humility.

I am not a Christian. However, I live my life by a couple of very Christian ideals. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Turn the other cheek. Love thy neighbor. I want the world to be a better place, and in order to accomplish that, I do all that I can to make MY world as good of a place as I can. I help my friends. I do my very best not to hold a grudge against anyone for anything. I want everyone to know happiness the way that I experience it every day.

There have been very few people in this world that do not like me. But as I look back at the circumstances that caused that, it was as much, if not more, of my own doing that brought that upon me. I firmly believe that what we put into this world is magnified and brought back unto ourselves. If you put forth love, you will be loved. If you put forth anger and hatred, you will find that everyone hates you in turn. I put forth happiness. I want the people in my life, the people that I touch on whatever level, to be happy. You all deserve it, I truly believe that. No one should live a life that doesn't know happiness.

There are so many people in my life who don't know happiness. They don't cultivate it within themselves, or they put up barriers to it. They don't think they deserve it. They let other people determine whether or not they should have it. Let it all wash away. Only you can find happiness within yourself. No one else can lead you there, and no one else can lead you away from it. It's right there.

It doesn't matter if you have no money. It doesn't matter if you have no love in your life. It doesn't matter what your circumstances are, no matter how bleak, no matter how hard. Smile. Think of something wonderful, and smile. Let that feeling fill you up, and spill over into your whole body. Just the act of smiling, (a true genuine smile, not a smirk for the sake of the exercise) releases a hint of that feeling of happiness. Think of your child, think of your pet, think of your favorite song, or your favorite place. Smile. Doesn't that feel good? I know it does for me.

That's how I live. That's how I want everyone in my life to live. To know that feeling every day. Yes, life is hard. Yes, given the opportunity, life will beat you down. Don't let it keep you there. Life is supposed to knock you down. You are supposed to get back up.

The human spirit can be whatever you want it to be. Mine is happy. I want yours to be too.

Love is not a lightswitch

So, I had planned on tackling some heavy topic tonight. Religion. Politics. Something weighty and worthy of one of my trademark rants. Then I got an email last night that changed my thought process, and required me to address it first. It isn't that it was completely unexpected. Indeed, I had predicted back in the fall that it would be coming right around this time. My guess was Valentine's Day, so I was only off by a few weeks.

I got the "I made a mistake" email from Becca late last night. I laughed out loud, of course. "Of course" because, well, of course she made a mistake. I'm not very good at praising myself. I think I'm a pretty decent guy, and am trying to become a better human being overall. I have good days and bad ones, but everyone does I suppose. But I know that I was better for Becca than anyone ever had been, and that my particular strengths fit her needs very well. The person that she left me for was someone that, I believe, she had built up in her own head as the perfect mate for her.

The problem is, there is no perfect mate for her. She doesn't love herself enough to allow for that possibility. I know that deep down inside of her, underneath all of the bullshit, lies, deceit and self-loathing, there's a good person. I've seen it, even if it doesn't rear it's head very often. That's who I fell in love with, and who I was willing to marry and try to spend a lifetime with.

Unfortunately, it's buried beneath all the other bullshit. And on top of that, she doesn't even realize that all the bullshit is there. Of course, how many among us can truly recognize the faults that we have, and address them? I remember, shortly after she left me, she posted a blog about how she realized how much she had hurt the people in her life, and that she was going to try to do better. I applauded the effort, but it lasted all of a few days, and she was back to the same person.

I feel bad for her in at least one sense. She has no idea how much the people in her life dislike her. Most of the people that she thinks of as friends couldn't be further from it. It isn't that she deserves to be liked, beyond the level that all living beings deserve to be liked to some degree. She has burned her own bridges, and deserves the consequences of her actions. But I think she has lied to herself for so long that she doesn't realize just what those consequences are.

I realize now that I deserve better than her. It took me a while to get to that point, but now that I do, I could never go back to that. I don't, however, wish her ill. I hope for her sake that she doesn't stay in the relationship that she's in. Everyone who knew both of them knew that it was doomed from the start. They both deserve better.

I do hope, more than anything, that she can learn to love herself. She's nowhere near that right now, and every time she reaches out to someone to find happiness, she gets one step further from the happiness that she needs to find inside. Never have I known someone that needed introspection more than her. I hope she finds it. Because everyone should have the opportunity to find that within themselves. Or at least to start the journey of self-discovery that usually lasts our entire lives. She never shines the light upon herself, always searching outside for answers, when they only require looking within.

I will always love her, just as I will always love everyone who I have ever said those words to. Love is not a lightswitch, to be turned on and off on a whim. Either you love someone forever, or you never loved them at all. You can move on with your life; you can decide not to be with that person; but if you have known love, you'll know it forever. Despite what she put me through, I will love her for the rest of my life. I will not, however, ever be with her again. Because I love myself too, and that is not what I need to grow, and to reach my own potential in this life.

So yes, Becca, you made a mistake. You've made many of them, and you will make many more before you're done. And yes, you need to suffer the consequences of your actions. But I hope you can overcome those mistakes. I hope that you can grow into the person that I first fell in love with, because that really is a beautiful woman, that the world deserves to know.

I, on the other hand, will continue my own journey of self-discovery. I am happy now.

As happy as I have ever been.

Just Do It.

I just watched Julie and Julia. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I had read so many reviews that praised the Meryl Streep portion of the movie, and panned the Amy Adams portion. Ms. Streep is an amazing woman, who I truly believe is one of the two greatest actresses to ever live on this planet. But I enjoyed the modern part of the story just as much, if not more.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand why, though. I'm 38 years old, and have no clue what I'm doing with my life. I'm happy. I've got great friends, a wonderful and supportive family, pets that I love, and I truly enjoy who I am as a person. But I'm unemployed, with no idea what to do for a job, a career, with my life.

I decided while watching the movie that I was going to start blogging. I have avoided it for the most part. The way I avoid all of the things in my life that would probably make me a better person. That would help me in some way. There's always an excuse.

There's a part in the movie where she imposes a deadline of a year, because she knows that she never finishes anything. I joked to the friend that I was watching the movie with that no one who always fails to finish things realizes that they have that problem. That's not entirely true, though. Plenty of us realize the problems that we have in our lives. We just lack the strength to change them.

I'm trying. Really I am. I want to be better. I want to do better. I started working out again this past week, and feel great. For the last year and a half, my life has been nothing but excuses. I'll get to it tomorrow, the day after, next week, next month. Last week I just got on the treadmill. Started slow, and slowly built up a little. I'm nowhere near where I was two years ago when I was doing this all the time. But I'm going to get there.

On the side of the cabinet, where my home theater system sits, there is a very old Nike sticker. One of the earliest "Just Do It" stickers. It's all late-80's neon day-glo colors. I realized that whether or not you care for Nike, that slogan is one of the greatest ever invented. Just disassociate it from the product for a minute, and apply it to your life. Just do it.

We all have reasons that we could choose not to do it. Whatever "it" is. Change jobs; eat better; work out; treat those around us better; leave the emotionally abusive boyfriend/girlfriend; write more; talk more; care more; do the laundry; clean the house; learn a new skill. It doesn't matter what it is, we spend more time bitching about it than we would spend just doing it.

So I will just do it. I will strive every day to complain less, make fewer excuses, and do more. I will write more, starting with this blog. I will cook more. I will play more. I will work out. I will play better poker. I will not be afraid to fail.

This blog won't be read by very many people. I'm not planning to advertise it on my other pages for a while. I just need it as a place to get my thoughts down. But if, at some point down the road, you find yourself here... Thank you. If you're here, you're a friend of mine. Thank you for being my friend. It truly means the world to me.

Finally, if you need more of a reason to get off your ass, this guy says it far better than I ever could.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obdd31Q9PqA