Minimum Effort for Maximum Reward

So, I was reading up on wikipedia about Saint Valentine. Turns out there were a bunch of them. Was a pretty common name back then. There's also all kinds of debate about when and how the whole Valentine's Day celebration, which used to be a feast, turned into a celebration of lovers. Many attribute it to a poem by Chaucer, the Parliament of Foules. It does seem as though the general theme of the "holiday" changed around 1400, so that would fit the timeline for Chaucer.

I have always had a problem with the "holiday" myself. I'm single this year, so it isn't a big deal to me. Last year I was with someone who expected a big tribute on the "day of love". Of course, Becca expected things more than most. Virginia used to spoil me for an entire week leading up to Valentine's day. It was cute, but unnecessary. I enjoyed it, but I felt the same way about her doing that as I did about the things that I have done for others.

What it boils down to more than anything else is this... If you need a special day to tell someone that you love them, your relationship is doomed. I have always treated the women that I have loved like they were the most beautiful, amazing, kind, generous, sexy, wonderful person on the planet every single day. This is someone that I love. This is someone that I potentially want to spend my life with. As such, I'm going to treat them that way every day.

So, when February 14th rolls around, I'm supposed to go out and buy them something, to show that I really meant it all the other days of the year? Seriously? And it has become expected? I think not. Sorry ladies, I take this one off. I'll treat you just as well on February 14th as I do the other 364 days of the year. You will know that I love you just as much that day as you do any other day. And you don't need a dozen roses (which I give to you randomly throughout the year) or a box of chocolates (which you will get randomly throughout the year) or jewelry (which you will get randomly when our budget affords it) to tell you that on this particular day, that I really really really love you. If you haven't been able to figure it out from my actions throughout the year, you don't deserve a special day.

The thing that I find truly sad is that there are women out there who justify a year's worth of poor behavior by their boyfriend/husband, simply because he does something nice on Valentine's day. They so desperately want to believe that their significant other is capable of being romantic, that they cling to absolutely anything that they can. Sure, he cheated on me twice last year, but look, he bought me FLOWERS!!!! Yeah, he doesn't trust me, and is constantly paranoid about me going behind his back to the point that I can't even have a male friend, but he took me out to our favorite restaurant for Valentine's day, so he CAN be romantic, see? It's terrible.

The guys out there that are just complete bastards use the "holiday" as this year long hall pass. It's like going to confessional. The bigger your sins in the previous year, the bigger your Valentine's day has to be to be absolved of them. Were you just an insensitive lout for the year? Flowers should do it. You cheated on her? Flowers, a nice dinner out, and maybe some jewelry. Did you do something really terrible? Forgot her birthday perhaps? Okay, that's going to require the big guns: tickets to the ballet and/or opera, and a weekend at a bed and breakfast. Okay, that's it, you're covered. Go back to being an ass for the next 364, and then we'll do this again.

Honestly, though, I don't know which is worse: the guys who are assholes and think they can make it up in one day; or the women who actually let them off the hook for a whole year simply because they do one special thing for them on Valentine's day. Seriously ladies, you need to be accountable here too. I know that for the most part, you tend towards the romantic. You WANT to believe that he can be good. You WANT to believe that he will be more romantic in the future. I applaud that. It is part of what makes women better people overall than men. You are always looking towards the positives. Guys see the negatives all the time. But you seriously need to start looking at the fact that your actions are empowering the guys you are with. If the only three days of the year that you get any attention are Valentine's day, your anniversary that you had to remind him of, and your birthday that you had to drop hints about, shouldn't you be moving on?

Let me let you in on a little secret. Guys will work hard at a relationship... if they absolutely HAVE to. (There are those of us who work hard at it all the time, but this blog isn't really about us). Guys will do the least amount of work necessary to get the job done. Period. Romance is too much work. Foreplay is too time consuming. About the only thing guys will put in the extra effort on is dinner. Yes, I want the crab cake appetizer, thanks. Otherwise, it is the minimum effort for maximum reward. So, if you let him slide on all of his transgressions, simply because he can turn up the romance when Valentine's day rolls around, that's all he's going to do.

It's up to you to call him on his shit year round. It's up to you to let him know that you want more, need more, expect more. He'll do it, or he'll move on. If he moves on, it's his way of telling you that you're not worth the effort. Yes, that stings. But seriously, can you look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say that it stings more than being treated like crap most of the year?

You deserve better. You deserve everything your heart desires. You deserve to be treated like a princess, a queen, a love goddess, a lady, a seductress, a best friend, a confidante. You deserve everything you are willing to give, and you are willing to give a lot. What you don't deserve is a box of chocolates and a diamond necklace simply because the calendar says you do.