Overcoming Schadenfreude

When I was younger, I was not a good person. I know that most of you who know me would say that I have always been a good guy, but in reality, I wasn’t. I always seemed to take joy in the misfortune of others. The Germans call it Schadenfreude, and it was something that I experienced all too often. I do think that I am a pretty good guy, and even then, I tried to do what was best for my family and friends. But for many years, there was that little tickle that gave me a smile inside when someone else failed. This is not easy for me to admit, especially in an open forum like this. It is, however, necessary for my continued growth. Once again, just do it.

Over the past few years, I have truly tried to become a better person. I thank Virginia and Terry for that. They are just about the most decent human beings I have ever known, and they taught me that it truly is okay to rejoice in the success and accomplishments of others. It is, however, a hard habit to break. Even after all this time, I struggle with it. I write it off as Karma, or try to justify it in some other way.

The truth is, Schadenfreude is truly the result of our own low self-esteem. When we see someone who is better looking, smarter, funnier, etc., than we are, it makes us feel better about ourselves if we see them fail. It is natural, but not right. There are numerous studies showing the social comparison theory behind Schadenfreude. When other people fail, we look better to ourselves.

I have, for the most part, overcome this for the positive people in my life. Anyone who I consider a friend, I take joy in their success without reveling in the failures of the others involved. Poker has helped with this immensely. I also find it easy to overcome when dealing with strangers, or people that I have had little to no interaction with. Where I find it difficult is in overcoming Schadenfreude when it comes to the people in my life who have wronged me. Or in the rare cases of people who I don’t like, or who don’t like me. This is where I struggle, but I do see hope at least, because I see the conflict within myself.

Obviously, those of you reading this know my history over the past year, and what I went through with Becca. I got news the other night that she hadn’t just put on 70 pounds, but more like 100+ pounds, in only six months since leaving me for another guy. I must admit that in the moment, all I wanted was for her to suffer. I took a perverse amount of pleasure in knowing that she was miserable. But this is not the person that I want to be. I slept extremely poorly that night, and I realized after waking, that the reason I slept so poorly was the conflict in my head over this news.

I have written before, on many occasions, that I want what is best for Becca. I truly do. I don’t think she’s happy right now, and I hope that she somehow finds that. I do believe that everyone deserves happiness; a deep abiding happiness to last throughout our lives. I don’t want to become a vengeance-based personality. That is what happens when you apply Schadenfreude to those who have wronged you. You become vengeance, you embrace the negative, and that fills you up.

I want to embrace the positive. I want to be empathy, not vengeance. There are entire cultures that are based upon the eye-for-an-eye mentality. They treat vengeance as honor, and anything less as dishonor. I don’t begrudge them that, but I don’t want to live that way. I want to be like Gandhi, not Tony Soprano. It is a far more difficult path to endure, but a much easier one to live with. There is no recognition for this, no glory or praise. It is simply knowing within yourself that you have done the right thing.

This becomes harder all the time. Not just for me, but for the world as a whole. Because life is harder right now than it has been in the past. The middle class, the core of the “decent, hard-working [insert Nationality here]”, is disappearing now. The more people in the world that are struggling, the more poor, the more disenfranchised people that we have in the world, the more people we will have feeling bad about themselves. And the more people feel bad about themselves, the more that they are going to be smiling at the misfortune of others.

I will close with one of my favorite quotes. Actually more like a small story. You see it on inspirational posters, and such, and it has always touched me:

A small boy lived by the ocean. He loved the creatures of the sea, especially the starfish, and spent much of his time exploring the seashore. One day he learned there would be a minus tide that would leave the starfish stranded on the sand. The day of the tide he went down to the beach and began picking up stranded starfish and tossing them back into the sea. An elderly man who lived next door came down to the beach to see what he was doing. "I'm saving the starfish," the boy proudly declared. When the neighbor saw all of the stranded starfish, he shook his head and said "I'm sorry to disappoint you, young man, but if you look down the beach one way, there are stranded starfish as far as the eye can see. And if you look down the beach the other way, it's the same. One little boy like you isn't going to make much of a difference." The boy thought about this for a moment. Then he reached his small hand down to the sand, picked up a starfish, tossed it out into the ocean and said, "I sure make a difference for that one."

I know that so many things that I blog about seem as though they are these idealistic notions of how the world should be. That I want to find Thomas More’s Utopia and move us all there. I don’t believe in fantasy, nor do I think that one man can change very much in the world. But I do believe that every man or woman can change much in their world.

Every one of you makes my world a better place. Thank you for that. I will continue to try and return the favor.