Let me know when we get there....

Wow, time flies. And I waste way too much of it. Logged on tonight, and realized that it had been almost a month since I've been here. I'm sorry for that. I know that I don't have much as far as an actual following here. Only a few people even know this exists, and I'm sure most of them have stopped reading for the most part. But if you have stumbled across this, and were delusional enough to actually enjoy reading what I write, I apologize for not being here more often. I really am hoping to change that.

I think more than anything, my life over the past few months has been a struggle to stay positive. Still not working. More applications, a few interviews, still no job. It is frustrating because I know that I'd be better at most of these jobs than anyone that they end up hiring. But because of nepotism, or minority hiring quotas, or because I haven't been as good on paper or in an interview as someone else, I'm still unemployed. I worry about the future. I worry that eventually unemployment will run out, and I'll be forced to take some crappy job that doesn't pay the bills, simply to keep from ending up on the street. I hope that's not the case, but I worry about it. I think I'm pressing too hard in interviews. Had two of them two weeks ago. The one that I really wanted was a list of questions, but there were only 12. Was nervous and bricked the first few, and then eventually relaxed. By the end I was really flowing, giving great answers. But I wonder how much the first few hurt me. When you've only got 12 questions, and the interview only lasts 20 minutes, how can they really get a sense of who I am?

I have found myself dwelling on a topic that I've brought up in previous blogs: potential. I feel like such a waste of potential. I have coached kids for 22 years on and off. In that time, I've had hundreds of kids that I've spent a season with. I can look back and name them, the ones who had the potential to be something special, but ended up wasting it. Connor Baldwin, the biggest waste of all. Nick McKinnon, you turned out to be a great person, but you should be playing minor league baseball at the very worst. Isaiah Lugo, you're still young enough to turn it around, but it doesn't look good. Many, many more.

I think now that if the teachers, mentors, coaches, and such that knew me when I was 10-17 years old could see me now, they would all have the reaction: waste of potential. I wish I had the motivation to drive myself towards something, anything. It has always been my biggest failing, and I have never known how to change it. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself, and I know that I'm a good person. I enrich the lives of those around me. I'm a good friend, and would do anything for those I love, both friends and family.

But I have no direction. I envy people who only know forward. I'm smart enough to see space in three dimensions, and realize that progress can move in any direction. But that knowledge paralyzes me. I am at point A, but rather than seeing only a line moving forward to point B, as most people do, I see points C, D, E, F, G, H, I and J, all of them in different directions, and I know that I can reach any of them if I apply myself. I just don't know which one to move towards. And I don't even know what I need to do to get to any of them. I just know that they're there, and that it is possible to reach them. But the how and the actual journey are a mystery to me.

So I spin my wheels, not knowing which way to turn, all the while with time running out on the clock of life. I have a 180 IQ, boatloads of common sense, a sense of humor to keep me balanced, a good work ethic, and I adapt well to change. I should have accomplished so much at this point in my life. But I've never really figured out what I want in this life other than a generic goal of "happy" and "safe". I know that I want to be happy, but that comes from within for the most part. I know that I want to be safe in the sense that I'm not broke, that I'm not without health and security and a roof over my head. But as for what I want on a deeper and more fulfilling level, I have no idea.

I don't know what I want from a relationship, I don't know what I want from a career, I don't know what I want for lunch tomorrow. I drift. I have often joked that I'm the 40 year old in the Baz Luhrman song that I posted in my last blog. Interesting, but still have no idea what to do with my life. And I don't know how to change that. How do I change that?

This song seems to sum it up: Let me know when we get there, if we get there...