Vulnerability is Sexy

I had a long conversation with a friend on facebook tonight. She's not someone that I have ever met in person, but I do consider her a friend. The wonders of the internet age, allowing for instant friendship. She is a truly wonderful person, and I enjoy our occasional chats. She unfortunately has one of those boyfriends who is afraid that everyone in the world is out to steal his girlfriend from him. So, we often talk about that, as we did tonight.

I think I have done a pretty good job at overcoming the jealousy and insecurity that used to plague me when I was younger. I know that my ex- would disagree with that statement, as she used that as a "justification" for her leaving me. Of course, given that she was seeing someone behind my back for the last month of our relationship, and that she moved in with him a couple of weeks after accepting my proposal, I'd say that my fears had some basis in reality on that particular occasion. But, I digress...

For the most part, I have just never understood the men who are upset when their girlfriend gets a compliment from another guy. I have always taken it as a compliment not only to her, but to me as well. If someone tells my girlfriend that she's beautiful, my only thought is, damn right she is. I don't get upset at the guy for thinking it. I certainly think it, or else I wouldn't be with that person. So am I supposed to think that the woman I'm with is beautiful, but that I'm the only one gifted enough to see that? Am I supposed to want everyone else in the world to think that she's ugly? I'm not that insecure.

In the past, when I've been in relationships, I've always taken a certain amount of pride in the fact that I can make the women in my life feel as though they are the most beautiful women in the world. Because if I'm spending time with them, if I'm choosing to be with that person, and hopefully build something long term with them, then to me they ARE the most beautiful woman in the world. And when I walk into a room with her on my arm, I want to have every person in that room turn and look and say, "Damn, that's a lucky guy". I WANT every guy in there to think that she's sexy, and she's beautiful, and that they wish their partner looked that good.

I'm certainly not going to be worried that simply because some random stranger thinks that my girlfriend is hot, and tells her so, that she is suddenly going to run off with that guy. If I actually NEED to worry about something like that, then our relationship won't survive much longer anyway.

Fidelity should be a given in a relationship. Even for those friends of mine who are in poly relationships, fidelity is still a given. They might have multiple partners, but it is something that is negotiated beforehand. Everything is open. In a monogamous relationship, fidelity is just something that must exist. It isn't ever something that you should be worried about. People always seem to have the wrong idea about it, I think. Most people look at that as something that they should be concerned about. That if it ever happened, it would break the relationship. That's backwards thinking. Infidelity happens because the relationship is already broken.

Most people who commit an act of infidelity aren't sitting around, happy with themselves, totally happy in a committed relationship, and wake up one morning saying, "I think I'll go cheat on my partner today. That'll be great!" I do believe that there is a small, very small, portion of people out there who cheat simply because they are wired that way. There's a bigger portion, still relatively small overall, who cheat because they are unhappy with themselves, and feel as though they don't deserve the happiness that they currently enjoy.

The biggest percentage of people who stray though, come from people who aren't happy in the current relationship. Usually, this is due to a lack of communication. There will be a variety of factors: unfulfilled sexual desires/fantasies, lack of intimacy, lack of emotional connections, etc. But I believe that all of those, and nearly every other factor that leads to infidelity, comes from a lack of communication. If you can't talk to your partner, about EVERYTHING, no matter how small, big, scary, unpleasant, tragic, hurtful... you can't ever build true intimacy with that person. And without that intimacy, without that communication, eventually you will find yourself unhappy with them. Once you're both unhappy, then either the relationship will end, or one (or both) of you will look outside the relationship to meet those needs.

I used to be afraid to share the worst parts of me with my partners. I would put up this facade, trying to be perfect all the time. I have since learned that perfect is more about letting your guard down, rather than putting it up. Vulnerability is sexy. Vulnerability is true love. Opening up about your fears, your hopes, your kinks, your flaws, every deep dark secret you have, allows your partner to not only trust you, but in turn, open up about theirs.

I hope that my friend is able to convince her partner that he doesn't have anything to worry about. After two years, I have my doubts. But I know that she loves him, and that she has never given him any reason not to trust her. Hopefully he will realize what he has before he loses it. Love is a rare and precious gift, and if we're lucky, we get a few cracks at it in our lives. To lose one (or more) of those chances, from simple insecurities and petty jealousy seems like such a waste.