Breathe. Just Breathe.

Wow, it feels so foreign to me to sit down to blog. It has been forever, and I have no excuses other than my own lack of motivation (what’s new). I mean, this year has been brutal, but the level of stress that I have felt this year simply means that I should have been writing more, not less, as writing is truly one of the few things that allows me to get it out of my body. There’s a line in the song that I’m including with this blog that rings so true to me: “If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me”. It’s unbelievable how directly that hits the nail on the head.

So, where to start?

My mom, I suppose. Much like my cancer did in my 20’s, I have a feeling that this will not really sink in for years. I kept waiting for the boulder of emotions to slam into me, and…. it never did. I don’t know why. For as much as my friends use me for an armchair psychologist, I don’t understand the inner workings of grief any better than the next person. It has been limited to a few minor breakdowns, in small moments that I would normally have shared with her. But overall, the effect has been one of isolation. She really was my best friend, and the one person that was always there, and now she’s not. So, the stress that has filled the rest of my year, where in the past I would have sought her advice (or at least accepted her consolation), has been shouldered by me, and me alone. Furthermore, what I had always known would come true has indeed come to pass. The glue that held my family together is gone, and I don’t believe there is anything that is going to change that. My mom died on February 24th. It is now July 21st. I have spoken to my dad twice since she passed. I haven’t spoken to my sister once. I haven’t spoken to any other member of my family since. I hope that my sister and my father are speaking regularly, but don’t have any idea if they are. I always felt that if my mom died first, we would all just drift away from one another, and that certainly seems to be the case. It is sad, but because it is what I always expected, it is not devastating to me. It simply fuels my isolation a bit more.

I don’t know if the fact that the rest of the things that have happened to me this year are a sign of progress or digression. The past few years have been terrible to me overall. I’ve written about them enough that I don’t need to rehash the details. But suffice to say, they’ve sucked. When those years were happening, they felt terrible. This year, even though it’s the worst and most stressful since 2009—the year from hell—it has only felt numb. I don’t know if that means I’m just learning to cope with the crap better, or if I’ve just been beaten down to where I don’t have the fight left that I once did. I don’t feel defeated, but neither does the boxer who has clearly lost and yet hasn’t been knocked out. I have always looked at the glass as half-full, but I don’t trust my judgment as much as I once did.

So what else?

Virginia. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Thank you so much for defaulting on your student loan that I cosigned for when we were engaged. Thanks for the $20K+ that I had to pull out of my retirement money to bail your ass out, because the other option was them possibly taking my house. Oh, and thanks for the added bonus of me not being eligible for any Federal Jobs, because I have delinquent Federal debt. Yeah, fuck you.

My health. You know it’s great news when you get the voicemail from your doctor a few hours after they run blood work saying, “Um, yeah, you should call me.” Fasting blood glucose of 308. Wheeee!! Say goodbye sugar! Got it to 104 in six weeks through a combination of dietary changes, exercise and Metformin. I’d like to not have to take another drug for the rest of my life, so hopefully I’ll be able to slowly work my way off of that one. But when I was off it unintentionally for a couple of days, it jumped my level back up to 140, so probably not. My bursitis in my hip is killing me lately. The drive to McKenzie bridge three times a week doesn’t help. Physical therapy could probably cure it inside of a month or two, but of course, no health insurance means we can’t afford anything like that.

Sara’s health. Fuck. Stomach cramps end up putting her in the hospital for an hour and a half. Bloodwork inconclusive. So, here’s some morphine and you can go home now. Oh, but you owe us $3K. So then, it’s off to the naturopath. Sure, I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I just need to run every fucking test under the sun. Yup, there it is, you’re allergic to… EVERYTHING. You can have no wheat, no soy, no dairy, no eggs, no, no, NO… I said NO, MOTHERFUCKER! So, she’s miserable now, because she can’t eat anything at all. Oh, and between the tests, the blood work, the follow up tests, and the supplements… another $2-3K. So, we’re out $6K, still aren’t sure what all caused it, and she’s miserable and can’t ever eat anything she likes again. Awesome.

What else? My car broke down once, and I’m worried that it’s on it’s last legs. Don’t have the money to do anything about it. Paid off the credit card, and then instantly had as much on it as I had just paid off. Lose money every month.

Other than that, things are actually pretty good. Poker still running well. Got promoted to half-time (and now union) with the county. Things with Sara have been going well. (Or, I should clarify, I think they’ve been going as well as they ever have—but I have absolutely no clue if she feels the same). Started a new BDSM club, and am enjoying that very much. Also just got a foot in the door with the Portland BDSM scene, and hope to build a little bit of a presence up there. I’m reading more. I’ve lost weight, down under 200 for the first time since the big weight purge 7 years ago. Holding steady at 195. The animals are all healthy.

I know that I say this often, and haven’t followed through on it for a while now. But I do really intend to start writing more regularly. My goal is two blogs a week. I’d LOVE to do more than that, but if I can get two a week up (ideally one personal and one topical), I would feel a sense of accomplishment with this blog that I haven’t felt in a while. Thank you to anyone that is actually reading this. I love you all.

Just breathe, Rob. It will all get better eventually. I will figure it out. Just breathe.