Love is not a lightswitch

So, I had planned on tackling some heavy topic tonight. Religion. Politics. Something weighty and worthy of one of my trademark rants. Then I got an email last night that changed my thought process, and required me to address it first. It isn't that it was completely unexpected. Indeed, I had predicted back in the fall that it would be coming right around this time. My guess was Valentine's Day, so I was only off by a few weeks.

I got the "I made a mistake" email from Becca late last night. I laughed out loud, of course. "Of course" because, well, of course she made a mistake. I'm not very good at praising myself. I think I'm a pretty decent guy, and am trying to become a better human being overall. I have good days and bad ones, but everyone does I suppose. But I know that I was better for Becca than anyone ever had been, and that my particular strengths fit her needs very well. The person that she left me for was someone that, I believe, she had built up in her own head as the perfect mate for her.

The problem is, there is no perfect mate for her. She doesn't love herself enough to allow for that possibility. I know that deep down inside of her, underneath all of the bullshit, lies, deceit and self-loathing, there's a good person. I've seen it, even if it doesn't rear it's head very often. That's who I fell in love with, and who I was willing to marry and try to spend a lifetime with.

Unfortunately, it's buried beneath all the other bullshit. And on top of that, she doesn't even realize that all the bullshit is there. Of course, how many among us can truly recognize the faults that we have, and address them? I remember, shortly after she left me, she posted a blog about how she realized how much she had hurt the people in her life, and that she was going to try to do better. I applauded the effort, but it lasted all of a few days, and she was back to the same person.

I feel bad for her in at least one sense. She has no idea how much the people in her life dislike her. Most of the people that she thinks of as friends couldn't be further from it. It isn't that she deserves to be liked, beyond the level that all living beings deserve to be liked to some degree. She has burned her own bridges, and deserves the consequences of her actions. But I think she has lied to herself for so long that she doesn't realize just what those consequences are.

I realize now that I deserve better than her. It took me a while to get to that point, but now that I do, I could never go back to that. I don't, however, wish her ill. I hope for her sake that she doesn't stay in the relationship that she's in. Everyone who knew both of them knew that it was doomed from the start. They both deserve better.

I do hope, more than anything, that she can learn to love herself. She's nowhere near that right now, and every time she reaches out to someone to find happiness, she gets one step further from the happiness that she needs to find inside. Never have I known someone that needed introspection more than her. I hope she finds it. Because everyone should have the opportunity to find that within themselves. Or at least to start the journey of self-discovery that usually lasts our entire lives. She never shines the light upon herself, always searching outside for answers, when they only require looking within.

I will always love her, just as I will always love everyone who I have ever said those words to. Love is not a lightswitch, to be turned on and off on a whim. Either you love someone forever, or you never loved them at all. You can move on with your life; you can decide not to be with that person; but if you have known love, you'll know it forever. Despite what she put me through, I will love her for the rest of my life. I will not, however, ever be with her again. Because I love myself too, and that is not what I need to grow, and to reach my own potential in this life.

So yes, Becca, you made a mistake. You've made many of them, and you will make many more before you're done. And yes, you need to suffer the consequences of your actions. But I hope you can overcome those mistakes. I hope that you can grow into the person that I first fell in love with, because that really is a beautiful woman, that the world deserves to know.

I, on the other hand, will continue my own journey of self-discovery. I am happy now.

As happy as I have ever been.